Most gifted children quickly realize that they differ from their peers. They know that they grasp information at a faster rate. They crave intensity, depth, and intellectual challenge. And they resign themselves to never quite fitting the norm. Even if they are not openly rejected or bullied, many still feel socially isolated. Gifted children frequently develop a finely tuned radar for the tempo and feel of the social world around them. Their minds work overtime as they size up each situation, decide how to act, and debate whether to display or hide their true nature.
The burdens of their outlier status and never quite feeling they belong take their toll.
Even though the gifted are no more susceptible to mental illness than anyone else, some gifted children and teens struggle with overthinking, worry, or cautious alertness. Their nervous system seems wired for heightened reactivity. For some, obsessive thinking transitions into anxiety. This tendency may develop despite the presence of a loving, supportive family, the absence of past trauma, or a family history devoid of anxiety or depression. It just goes with the giftedness territory.
Gifted children often maintain high standards for themselves. Although sometimes fueled by expectations from family or teachers, it more frequently stems from an awareness of their own capabilities. Even those who underachieve or hide their talents from others are quite aware of their potential and what they might achieve with some effort. They recognize their advantages in learning and feel conflicted about how to manage expectations. Many assume academics should come easily, expect to always excel, and feel shame if they falter or receive a low grade. Some give up entirely after a failure experience and refuse to exert further effort. Others may become anxious, driven, and perfectionistic, focusing on success above all else. Achievement is seen as essential to offset any potential feelings of shame.
Recognizing the Shame Cycle
The self-consciousness that accompanies giftedness is compounded by peer pressure, social media input, adolescent hormones, and their own high expectations. And for many, overthinking and anxiety transition into feelings of shame. Gifted children and teens harshly judge any perceived mistake and feel ashamed when they face an academic struggle or cannot effortlessly engage with others. They mull over past conversations, dissect minute details, and berate themselves for any misstep. They worry that they will be exposed as “ungifted”—impostors who cannot effortlessly excel and are not smart after all. Distorted thinking fuels anxiety and evokes feelings of shame, which pervades their sense of self.
Shame stems from a belief that one is deeply flawed and that the flaw will be exposed to others. Brene Brown defines shame as “the intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” Shame differs from guilt, which typically involves regret over past behaviors. Shame both results from and fuels overthinking and anxiety. Gifted children and teens caught in this vicious cycle remain entrenched in a seemingly endless battle against themselves.
Many gifted children caught in the anxiety and shame cycle will block your efforts to challenge their beliefs. Words of reason and logic fall on deaf ears. Attempts to highlight their strengths or put their distress into perspective or diffuse their perfectionistic drive demonstrate your love and support, and may sink in eventually. However, your child may respond with a typical, “You just don’t get it!” The emotions they are experiencing in the moment are powerful and intense; you cannot talk them out of their feelings.
How can you help?
Several approaches may ease the sting of anxiety and shame and alleviate some of the burden. Some basic tips include the following:
- First, create a shame-free environment at home where differences are accepted and emotions are never mocked or criticized. Treat emotions as understandable reactions that can be managed—not something shameful.
- Show respect for your child’s feelings. Acknowledge their pain before attempting to resolve the situation. Let them know you understand and will be available to help them move through and past their distress.
- Work with your child to identify specific skills and strategies that will help them thrive. Help them pinpoint thoughts and automatic reactions that prevent resilient responses and brainstorm alternate counter-statements to challenge negative thinking.
- Help your child build a repertoire of calming techniques. Calming words or phrases, imagery, mindfulness, deep breathing, relaxation exercises, calming music, apps, and lessons in self-compassion can reduce stress and shame.
- Encourage techniques that improve mastery of anxiety. Teach reinterpreting physiological arousal as useful energy, imaginal rehearsal of challenging tasks, and expressive outlets like art, writing, movement, and appropriate assertiveness.
- Plan ahead for anxiety-triggering situations such as exams or stressful social gatherings. Help your child develop a toolbox of calming, comforting, and distracting techniques and practice them in advance.
- When emotions run high, encourage your child to research the facts. Adopting a curious, investigative stance can help counter overthinking traps like all-or-nothing thinking and catastrophizing.
- Keep in mind that independence, confidence, and self-sufficiency are the ultimate goals. Encourage problem-solving, developmentally appropriate responsibilities, and academic risk-taking while providing attuned support.
- Be the person you want your child to be. Model resilience: laugh at mistakes, bounce back from failure, show compassion, and manage your own emotions. Children learn more from actions than words.
The strategies listed above take practice. Some may be useful for your child and family situation; others may not. Experiment with different ideas to find an approach that will have an impact. Your child might benefit from the additional support of a licensed mental health professional, especially if you notice signs of clinical depression or disabling anxiety such as hopelessness, sleep and appetite disturbances, self-harm, excessive mood swings, panic attacks, loss of interest in previously enjoyable activities, a sudden drop in grades, or a change in behavior. Even if your child is not highly anxious, a skilled therapist can tailor techniques to what your child needs and guide you in supporting them. Anxiety and shame do not need to diminish your child’s love of life. No child should have to suffer.
