Family Dynamics
When we talk about family dynamics, we are referring to the interactions between individuals in a group who are united by ties of marriage, blood or adoption. The adults cooperate financially for their mutual support, and the people are committed to one another in intimate, interpersonal relationships.
Most of us who work with families perceive the family as a complex system that works to maintain the status quo or homeostasis. Each family has its own hierarchy and set of rules, which govern the behavior of the members and help maintain homeostasis. The family system can function well and be healthy for its individual members, supporting their growth and accepting their change. Or the family system can be dysfunctional, and the dysfunction, especially in one or more of its members, may serve to disrupt the homeostasis.
We can talk about different types or classifications of families, at least in the general sense. For example, an inflexible family is resistant to and isolated from forces outside the family and does not adapt well to changes within the family (Satir’s “me and you against the world”). In an enmeshed family, each member is too greatly involved in the lives of the other members, to the point that individuals do not have personal autonomy and often feel controlled. This would be in contrast to a disengaged family, in which the members pay little or no attention to each other. Another family system may take the form of pathological triangular relationships, where parents avoid dealing with conflicts with each other by always keeping the children involved in their conversations and activities. They may even, in an unconscious or unknowing way, maintain a child’s pathology to keep the focus off their own problems.
So how does giftedness make a difference to families? Does it make a difference? Are families with gifted children and gifted parents any different than any other family? The answer to this question is both yes and no. In some cases, the answer is no. Your family has to deal with all the normal miseries that any other family deals with: mobility, divorce and remarriage, the glut of available information, and the faster pace of living. Many families now have both parents employed and face greater time pressures than previous generations.
Of course, many times giftedness does impact the family dynamic. One or more gifted children, particularly if they are highly or profoundly gifted, greatly impacts family dynamics. Gifted children often react strongly to events in the family that upset the family equilibrium, showing worry, anger, guilt and other intense emotions. Because of tendencies toward overexcitability, their responses can seem extreme and disruptive to the family. The emotionally overexcitable child may react with a sense of foreboding and dramatics when told of changes like a move or school change, fearing loss of friends and intense loneliness.
The perfectionist child who shares a room with a sibling may be in constant turmoil because the sibling refuses to organize to the perfectionist’s standard. These intensities impact the family directly and indirectly. When parents are themselves gifted, intensities and conflicts can be magnified. Studies suggest many gifted children perceive parental expectations as different; within two-parent families each parent may be perceived as having different expectations. Children often play one parent against the other, and with gifted children this maneuvering can become sophisticated.
Accommodating Differences
Many parents become aware early of the depth and intensity of their children’s knowledge, insights and various overexcitabilities. With multiple children who differ in patterns and degrees of overexcitability, discerning and understanding these differences becomes complex and sometimes disruptive. Families often must make significant changes to accommodate intellectual and social/emotional needs; one parent called this “asynchronous parenting.”
A gifted child’s intensity affects sibling relationships. Gifted children often compare themselves with others in the household, leading to power struggles for parental attention. Sibling rivalry can be expressed through angry behavior (spiteful words, bullying, fighting, criticizing). Parents should focus on underlying reasons for behaviors rather than only the behaviors themselves to approach situations more calmly. An instructive exercise mentioned by James Webb in A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Children (Webb, Gore, Amend, and DeVries) illustrates how children react strongly to perceived displacement in the family.
“When a gifted child feels he or she is not getting enough attention, for whatever reason, she can be quite skilled at calling attention to herself.” (A Parent’s Guide to Gifted Children.) Attention can be gained by positive or negative actions.
Be careful that an older gifted child does not gradually become responsible for younger children or become the “adult” in charge; this role can lead to later resentment and withdrawal. Unequal abilities among siblings bring complexities for parents and siblings. Parents unconsciously send messages valuing certain talents or children; even when all children are gifted they may differ in thinking styles. Emphasize that each child is valued for unique strengths and abilities.
PARENTING STYLE
There is a difference between being authoritative and being authoritarian. Parenting styles range from authoritarian to permissive. Authoritative parenting is responsive to children’s needs, uses explanation and negotiation, and appropriately monitors behavior; it is associated with positive outcomes. Permissive parenting offers warmth but low monitoring and control. Authoritarian parenting features dogmatic decision-making and punitive discipline; both permissive and authoritarian styles are associated with more negative outcomes.
Families often expect children, especially very bright gifted children, to have an equal vote within the family. Families are not democracies; parents make final decisions while maintaining open communication and acknowledging feelings. Understanding and agreeing are not the same; acknowledging feelings is important. Discipline and punishment differ: gifted children are sensitive, so small punishments can be effective, while discipline should teach self-regulation and responsibility. Earn respect by giving respect; harsh words and punishment model disrespect rather than the behavior parents expect.
Keeping the Balance
There are five important points to keeping balance in the family.
- Communicate. Actively listen to your children. Listen to their feelings, wants, needs, dreams and desires.
- Discipline. Establish discipline by teaching self-regulation and self-determination. Set limits for your children but provide choices within those limits.
- Encourage Excellence. Encourage striving for excellence rather than perfection. Teach frustration tolerance and stress management. Be a good role model.
- Value each child. Avoid comparisons and highlight each child’s unique traits, aptitudes and behaviors.
- Take care of yourself. Work with your spouse or other parents to support one another. Give time to yourself to renew, replenish and recreate.
