Frustration is a typical emotional response that arises when a person is prevented from reaching a desired outcome. It is an inevitable part of life. We can all develop skills to help us manage life’s daily frustrations, but the emotional depth and intensity that characterizes gifted individuals make low frustration tolerance a prevalent issue for families of gifted children. Because learning differences and social-emotional difficulties come with additional challenges, this is an even bigger issue for twice-exceptional (2e) minds and their families.
The good news is that twice-exceptional children can master the competencies needed to regulate their intense emotions. Gaining self-regulation skills can help gifted and twice-exceptional children overcome obstacles and tolerate disappointments constructively.
Children who successfully learn to cope with frustration in healthy ways develop confidence that will likely guide them when navigating life’s challenges later on. It all starts with emotional self-awareness.
Developing Emotional Self-Awareness
Self-awareness is the anchor of emotional intelligence and a fundamental competency on which other emotional skills build. Emotional self-awareness is the ability to monitor our feelings from moment to moment and pay attention to our internal states, including our self-talk and our thoughts about our feelings and emotions. It is about observing ourselves closely and recognizing our emotional, thinking, and behavioral patterns and using that information efficiently to make necessary changes to better ourselves. It also includes having an accurate sense of our strengths and weaknesses.
Emotional self-awareness is the first step in building strong frustration tolerance skills. Children with strong emotional self-awareness understand the relationship and difference between their emotions, feelings, thoughts, and actions. They are able to recognize when a particular emotion is arising and use appropriate vocabulary to express different feelings and emotions.
Due to their high intellect, many gifted children tend to have an overly analytical approach to life, which can complicate their abilities to sort through and make sense of their emotions. For this reason, some gifted children need to work twice as hard to develop these skills. Here are three ways to help your 2e or gifted child boost their emotional self-awareness and build strong frustration tolerance skills.
Encourage Healthy Expression
Many parents ask about de-escalation techniques for calming a child who is past her tipping point and having a meltdown, but it may be easier for children to learn techniques that prevent them from getting to that point. A proactive approach is to provide opportunities to practice expressing emotions regularly so children are more likely to find appropriate ways to communicate frustration when upset.
Emotions are a normal part of life, but there are healthy and unhealthy ways to express them. Encourage healthy emotional expression by talking about your feelings openly in front of your child. Allow your child to see that everyone experiences frustration almost daily. Be vulnerable and model healthy ways to express frustrations and disappointments.
When faced with an unpleasant incident, remind yourself to use the tools you want your child to learn. Someone is watching and learning from you. Use your behavior to show your child how to manage irritating situations calmly and positively.
You can have more control over your mental and emotional states when you are familiar with your breathing patterns. The rhythm of breathing influences brain activity. Slowing the breath soothes the nervous system; shallow and rapid breathing contribute to stress and anxiety. Deep breathing techniques can trigger a switch from a sympathetic reactive state to a parasympathetic calmer stage. You can count to 10 slowly or breathe in through the nose and out through the mouth to slow breathing and regulate the stress response.
Be explicit about the steps you take to prevent escalation or reaching your boiling point. Provide examples of the language and emotional vocabulary your child can use to communicate frustrations. Use words developmentally appropriate for your child’s age.
If your child does reach a boiling point and is having a meltdown, acknowledge and validate their frustration and allow them to process negative emotions by providing a safe space to calm down. At that moment, asking questions or encouraging expression may not be best. Wait until anger subsides and your child is ready to talk.
If your child becomes aggressive, gently guide them to a cooling down spot or calm-down corner. This should not be a punitive time-out but a safe area where the child can release anger. Involve your child in designing this space and include comforting items such as cushions, pillows, blankets, or stuffed animals. If the child has sensory needs, include sensory activities that help soothe frustration.
Once your child has calmed down, address how they expressed their frustration. Let them know behaviors and reactions were not acceptable and teach the skills they will need to use the next time they face frustration or disappointment.
Give it a Voice!
Recognizing an emotion is the first step in gaining control over it. Encourage your child to notice and identify emotions by giving them a voice. This can take various forms depending on age and developmental stage.
For 2e teenagers, journaling can be a powerful tool to become familiar with feelings and emotional patterns. Regularly recording thoughts and experiences helps children gain insight into attitudes and behaviors. They can use journals for freeform writing, drawing, poems, or any form that feels comfortable.
Encourage children to forget grammar and editing when journaling. If writing is challenging, they can use voice memos or audio recording to document feelings without highlighting weaknesses.
Preschool and elementary children often struggle more with frustration tolerance because their vocabulary for feelings is emerging. Many young 2e children lag in communication skills and need more practice naming and labeling feelings. Use images, pictures, or a feelings chart to help build emotional vocabulary and literacy.
Younger children can give emotions a voice by using funny and memorable names like Angry Angus, Anxious Annie, or Sad Sally. Help your child come up with fun names they will remember.
By giving emotions a distinct voice, children begin to separate themselves from the emotion. This dissociation helps them see they are experiencing anger rather than being an angry person. With habitual identifying and labeling of emotions, children start to gain more control over actions and reactions.
Mapping Emotions on the Body
Emotions can manifest as physical sensations throughout the body. Anger and frustration often trigger physical cues that a child may identify. Many children who struggle with frustration tolerance are unaware of the connection between emotions and bodily sensations, so we must teach them to notice subtle warning signs that precede losing control. Encouraging attention to these cues helps them recognize rising anger and provides an opportunity to interrupt tension.
Although often used interchangeably, emotions and feelings differ. Emotions are universal, hard-wired responses that create biochemical changes in the body; feelings are mental associations and reactions acquired through personal experience. Understanding this difference supports greater control over emotions and reactions.
For younger children, help them map emotions by drawing a body outline and asking them to point to where they feel anger. Use colors to identify areas and label emotions. Awareness of physical sensations helps children perceive, interpret, and manage strong emotions.
Another method is modeling your own warning signs. Share how you feel moments before frustration rises, such as a racing heart, tense shoulders, or sore neck. Help the child identify any areas where they feel particularly tense and encourage them to choose at least one strategy to use when they notice these sensations.
Mapping physical changes can be a valuable tool to prevent frustration from spiraling out of control. With knowledge of where they feel emotions, children can pause, assess what they need, and take steps to decrease intensity and reverse the frustration cycle.
Be patient. Helping your child build frustration tolerance takes time, practice, and discipline, but the benefits go far beyond the teenage years. A twice-exceptional child with strong emotional self-awareness and self-regulation skills can thrive.
