Helping Your Gifted Child Through Divorce: Part 2

Citation: Online since October 2011.

Over the last 27 years, I have had the opportunity to serve families and children pre- and post- divorce in a variety of roles, including educator, counselor, and mediator. Over the last 30 years, my husband, a clinical psychologist, has served children and families and the courts in a variety of roles: therapist, court appointed custody evaluator and parenting coordinator. This article is a collaboration between the two of us.

Adultizing and Enmeshment

Adultizing is talking to and leaning on a child for advice and emotional support. It is easier to fall into the trap of adultizing the gifted child than the typically developing child because sometimes gifted children seem more like adults than children in their vocabulary and ability to converse on an adult level. For this reason, it can be all too easy for a parent to share things that are inappropriate for a child to hear. That still doesn’t make it appropriate to share adult matters with the gifted child.

Enmeshment occurs when a parent’s life satisfaction is dependent upon his or her children’s activities and achievements. Newly divorced parents can easily become enmeshed with their child because there is no longer another adult in the home with whom to interact. Sometimes enmeshment happens when parents push children to achieve in areas they themselves wished for (Miller, 1996).

Ways that Children Adapt

Children, in general, seem to adapt in one of four different ways. Given the unique qualities of the gifted child, these approaches to coping may be expressed to a greater degree or intensity. They include the following:

1. Maneuvering – These children become masters at manipulating their parents to get their needs met and learn to take care of themselves first.
2. Equilibrating – These children become diplomats, trying to keep everything under control. They may appear composed but be perpetually anxious and hide their feelings.
3. Merging – These children often become enmeshed in the conflict, splitting their identities and protecting each parent by aligning with whoever is present.
4. Diffusing – Highly reactive children respond intensely to family disintegration and may appear emotionally disorganized or distraught.

Because of their intensities, gifted children may experience more severe reactions. Parents of gifted children in unhappy relationships may be depressed and less available just when the child needs them most. Advanced language does not mean a young child will grasp complex parental issues.

Maneuvering

Example cases show gifted adolescents manipulating situations to gain parental attention, sometimes withdrawing and retreating into activities like video games when expectations are unmet.

Equilibrating

Some children try to make everything fair and equal, organizing people and situations to avoid upsetting either parent. This can lead to high self-pressure, anxiety, and even self-harm when they perceive failure.

Merging

Perfectionistic gifted children may align strongly with one parent to resolve ambiguity and anger. Such alignments can shift over time, especially among emotionally intense children trying to make sense of parental disputes.

Diffusing

Highly emotional children may react dramatically to changes like moving or changing schools, experiencing meltdowns or creating elaborate fantasies to cope. Bright sensitive children may also take on caretaker roles when they sense a parent’s sadness.

Parental Influence

All coping styles are influenced by parental behavior. High conflict increases risk, while intelligence, social skill, and achievements in other areas can support better adaptation. Gifted parents’ own intensities may aggravate situations.

How Parents Can Reduce Risk to Children

Here are practical steps parents can take to reduce harm and support children:

1. Be cooperative. Low-conflict co-parenting and clear parenting agreements help avoid conflict.
2. Accept and appreciate your child’s uniqueness.
3. Avoid parentifying or adultizing your gifted child; they are not miniature adults.
4. Be truthful but age-appropriate; children overhear and glean meaning from adult conversations.
5. Do not demean the absent parent in front of children; facilitate the child’s relationship with both parents.
6. Avoid letting the child get in the middle of disagreements.
7. Be aware of your own intensities and how they affect parenting during relationship disintegration.
8. Do not live out your own fantasies through your child.
9. Take care of yourself; grief and mixed feelings are normal.
10. Maintain communication between separated parents; coordinate expectations across households.
11. Remember that imperfection and stress do not automatically damage children; many children still thrive.

Take an active interest in how your children are coping, view the process from their perspective, and keep lines of communication open.

References

Johnston, J. R., & Campbell, L. E. G. (1988). Impasses of divorce: The dynamics and resolution of family conflict. New York: Free Press.

Gardner, R. (1992). Parental alienation syndrome: A guide for mental health and legal professionals. Cresskill, NJ: Creative Therapeutics.

Goertzel, V., Goertzel, M.G., Goertzel, T.G. & Hansen, A.M.W. (2004). Cradles of eminence: Childhoods of more than seven hundred famous men and women, 2nd edition. Scottsdale: Great Potential Press.

Miller, A. (revised and updated, 1996). The drama of the gifted child. New York City: Basic Books.

Webb, J.T., Gore, J., Amend, E., & DeVries, A. (2007). A parent’s guide to gifted children. Scottsdale: Great Potential Press.

In 1981, SENG established guidelines for SENG Model Parent Support Groups (SMPGs). SMPGs bring together parents of gifted children to discuss motivation, discipline, stress management, and peer relationships. Learn more at http://sengifted.org/smpg_parent_groups.shtml.