Full title: Getting Over Overexcitabilities: Effectively Managing Family Interactions when Family Members Have Different Overexcitabilities.
According to Silverman (2008), overexcitabilities (OEs) are an innate tendency to respond to things in an intensified manner. Dabrowski’s concept of OEs was first published in 1937. OEs have been found to be good indicators of giftedness and creativity. Gilman (2008) states, “Dabrowski believed that such intensity and sensitivity enhance the self-actualization process and play a role in developing potential” (p. 258). The OEs are:
- Emotional – experiencing things deeply
- Imaginational – capacity to visualize, invent, and create
- Intellectual – inquisitive and reflective
- Psychomotor – a surplus of energy
- Sensual (Sensory) – intense responsiveness to sight, sound, touch, taste, and smell
Silverman (2008) states, “The various permutations and strengths of OEs at least partially account for the wide range of individual differences within the gifted population” (p. 161). Within families, these individual differences can mean that each family member has different OEs, and these OEs may actually conflict and result in very challenging family dynamics. According to Rivero (2010), “Learning how to use one’s sensual excitability for self-nurture without being self destructive is an important skill for them to master” (p. 60). In this case, “them” refers to all family members!
The authors have experienced such challenging family dynamics and wanted to offer recommendations to other families where OEs are involved. The first author is twice exceptional and so is her daughter. They both exhibit different OEs in all five areas. The second author is twice exceptional and her husband and daughter are both gifted. All three exhibit different OEs in all five areas. The authors have developed ten recommendations and provide research to support each of the recommendations. The recommendations can be used individually or in combination based on their effectiveness within a given family.
Research-Based Recommendations
The authors provide the following research based recommendations for effectively managing family interactions when OEs are involved:
1. Advocacy
Making sure your gifted children are receiving appropriate educational services at school has a strong impact on what happens at home. The more parents understand about giftedness and OEs, the better they can advocate for their children and make sure that their needs are being appropriately met, decreasing their frustration level.
It is important that gifted students receive appropriate educational services, because, if they do not, it will likely increase the distress at home (Mills, Reiss, & Dombeck, 2008). According to Rivero (2010), “you can offer a home environment that encourages work and diligence for the sake of personal satisfaction” (p. 110). Gilman (2008) emphasizes the need for gifted students to receive appropriate services to normalize their experience and maintain their love of learning.
It is important to differentiate between talented and gifted in order to advocate appropriately for gifted children. Being on our children’s side requires personal resources such as creativity, patience, energy, and trust:
- Creativity to allow us to see our children’s needs as unique and to be flexible in our responses to those needs
- Patience to keep our eye on the long-term, lifelong process of learning to live in the world
- Personal energy to handle the emotional challenges of adolescence without sacrificing our own needs or internalizing our children’s struggles
- Trust that our children can learn to handle life’s ups and downs and that we can be there for them (p. 70)
From the authors’ perspectives these personal resources may be difficult to provide but parents should strive to provide them as much as possible.
2. Calmers
Know what calms you down as well as each member of your family. Calmers usually involve sensual OEs and can be related to sight, sounds, smell, taste, or touch. Have these calmers readily available as much as possible.
Research indicates that visualization, music, aromatherapy, comfort foods, and tactile strategies such as yoga and deep breathing can calm individuals in distress. Parents can help children visualize a “happy place,” use music, aroma, foods, or tactile techniques and model these strategies.
Flow (a state of optimal experience) can also serve as a calmer when intensity and skill are well matched and engagement is high.
3. Celebrate Success
Document strategies tried, what works, in what context, and celebrate success by engaging in enjoyable family activities. Create a way to save pieces of evidence that document success (e.g., scrapbooking, special box, portfolio, etc.). Positive reinforcement and encouragement for risk-taking can be more effective than admonitions to try harder.
4. Document Optimistic Options
Write down optimistic options available as responses to situations. This can be done individually or as a family activity. Some individuals may need facilitation to learn this process. Work with children to establish time frames rather than strict time limits.
Research suggests there may be genetic influences on optimism, so explicitly documenting optimistic options can help family members explore and increase positive dynamics.
5. Everyone Gets a Turn
Ensure each family member has one-on-one time with you, including your partner. This supports relationship building and helps fulfill responsibilities as a parent and partner.
6. Medication and/or Counseling
If family members would benefit from medication and/or counseling for anxiety, depression, sensitivities, etc., pursue these under professional supervision. Seeking appropriate treatment is not a failure; failing to address conditions appropriately is.
Counseling can aid self-understanding and improve understanding of family members’ OEs; the authors report that counseling helped them understand their own and their family members’ OEs.
7. Patterns and Routines
Establish patterns and routines so family members know what to expect, where things are kept, and who is responsible for what. Once established, routines should be respected and not changed without input from family members. Knowing what to expect allows children freedom to pursue passions and find calmers.
8. Signs
Know the signs that indicate rising distress for yourself and each family member. Develop simple communication methods (words, gestures, texts, or emails) to indicate stress levels. Understanding eustress versus distress helps families recognize when stress is motivating versus harmful.
Family members may experience distress in response to others’ OEs; severe reactions can lead to “emotional flooding,” which impedes positive responses.
9. Tag Team
Use a tag team approach when dealing with a distressed gifted child: have another adult step in if a situation escalates. Sharing parenting responsibilities and maintaining communication with partners helps manage escalating behavior.
10. Take Care of Yourself
Self-care—adequate sleep, nutrition, exercise, and time for personal needs—maintains the energy and stamina required to respond effectively to family members in distress. As children grow and change, parents’ needs also evolve; ongoing self-assessment is essential.
Final Comments
“You teach best what you most need to learn” (Bach, 1977, p. 60). Writing this article prompted the authors to reflect on their own OEs and family dynamics and led to recommendations intended to benefit families with OEs. While family dynamics are rarely ideal, families can strive to make them more positive.
References
Bach, R. (1977). Illusions: The adventures of a reluctant messiah. New York: Dell Publishing.
Chapman, W. (2001). Are you an indigo adult? Metagifted Education Resource Organization. Retrieved January 7, 2010.
Daniels, S. (2009). Overexcitability, giftedness, and family dynamics. In S. Daniels & M. M. Piechowski (Eds.), Living with intensity: Understanding the sensitivity, excitability, and emotional development of gifted children, adolescents, and adults (pp. 127-144). Scottsdale, AZ: Great Potential Press.
Fox, E., Ridgewell, A. & Ashwin, C. (2009). Looking on the bright side: Biased attention and the human serotonin transporter gene.
Gilman, B. J. (2008). Academic advocacy for gifted children: A parent’s complete guide. Scottsdale, AZ: Great Potential Press.
Mills, H., Reiss, N., & Dombeck, M. (2008). Types of stressors (Eustress vs. distress).
Rivero, L. (2010). A parent’s guide to gifted teens: Living with intense and creative adolescents. Scottsdale, AZ: Great Potential Press, Inc.
Silverman, L. K. (2008) in S. Mendaglio. Dabrowski’s theory of positive disintegration. Scottsdale, AZ: Great Potential Press, Inc.
Webb, J. T. (2001). Tips for selecting the right counselor or therapist for your gifted child.
Wiley, K. (n.d.). Sharing parenting responsibilities.
