“To be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to change you is the greatest accomplishment of all.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson.
Working as an educator for exceptional and twice-exceptional students in Northern California was an eye-opening experience. Observing the unique pedagogical approaches and scaffolding in those classrooms reawakened the young boy in me. Being at the school rekindled my long-dormant curiosity, and I was eager to show up to work each day.
As I look at my life in hindsight, I have always had sharp reasoning abilities, heightened sensitivity, and empathy—a cocktail of traits that helped me assess and engage with the room as required. This efficient masking strategy has served me well in the public eye, but it has proven to be my biggest challenge in quieter circumstances and intimate relationships.
When I enter individual conversations, I have a deep sense of belonging, I tend to become impatient, and I expect things to move in sync. Conversations and human interactions do not always follow a linear, logical path, and my impatience in these moments has led to misunderstandings. Often, I seem condescending, which makes me feel alienated from those around me.
I am sensitive, empathetic, and highly emotional, and while these are qualities I cherish, they also bring me tremendous anxiety. Since childhood, I have had a deep fear of being hurt. Subsequently, whether in friendships, family dynamics, or early relationships, I was often wounded by words or actions that others might have brushed off easily.
Instead of wearing my heart on my sleeve, I began to mask this vulnerability and hold relationships at an arm’s length. I used my cognitive abilities as a shield. When I could not deal with emotional pain, I would retreat into my intellect and reason my way out of situations rather than admit fragility.
At times, I find it easier to solve complex problems than to face difficult emotions. However, this approach proved unsustainable: by masking emotions and relying on intellect as a coping mechanism, I created a wall between myself and the world and battled a whirlwind of fear, anxiety, and buried emotions.
Adding to this complexity was the pressure to fit in. I struggled to reconcile my authentic self with the version of me that the world wanted. The suppression led to frustration, anxiety, and overwhelming dissonance. The more I tried to blend in, the more I lost touch with who I truly was.
My work to reconcile these dualities in my personality continues to be a practice to which I am committed. I tell my story to open a conversation. Gifted individuals often demonstrate the clash between cognitive brilliance and emotional struggles, grappling with societal pressures to conform.
Why does my story matter?
Research suggests that while cognitive characteristics measured by tests are often highlighted, non-cognitive characteristics such as metacognitive skills, self-esteem, motivation, creativity, and personality play an equally important role in gifted learners’ success. Often overlooked, these soft skills can be more critical than cognitive skills alone.
This duality between cognitive and non-cognitive traits can be pronounced in gifted students: strong reasoning alongside emotional fragility. Over time, suppression of the authentic self can lead to frustration, isolation, or anxiety as individuals struggle to reconcile their true selves with the versions they present to the world.
Manifest dualities and suggested strategies
Has superior reasoning abilities — Can be impatient and appear arrogant
- Model humility: apologize and acknowledge when you lose patience
- Lead with curiosity: “Why did you make that choice?”
- Teach intellectual humility and accommodate different perspectives
Is sensitive, empathetic, emotional — Is easily hurt or anxious
- Have honest but warm conversations; validate emotions
- Prioritize affective needs before cognitive
- Model emotional regulation and self-advocacy
Sets high standards — Fears failure, avoids risk
- Set realistic goals and scaffold larger ones
- Emphasize a growth mindset and learning from mistakes
- Respond with authenticity and acknowledge pain
Sustains concentration for lengthy periods — Has tunnel vision
- Schedule and plan collaboratively
- Assure time for preferred interests later
- Spark curiosity by connecting interests to non-preferred tasks
The challenges of balancing intellectual strengths with emotional vulnerability are not unique to me but resonate with many. Understanding cognitive and emotional needs will better support gifted individuals in becoming their authentic selves. In a world that often demands conformity, the greatest gift we can offer is empathy, patience, and the space to be authentic.
