As a teacher of the gifted, I am involved daily in the relationships between students and parents, working to keep each “team” apprised of what the other is thinking. At the beginning of the year, I tell parents what I have learned from earlier classes about what it is like to be 10 and very bright. During the year, the students and I chat informally about many of their social and emotional issues.
A few years ago, during one such class conversation, we were discussing topics that might occupy a young teen’s mind: identity; status; boyfriends; girlfriends; connections outside the family; independence; etc. Then I told them how parents see each of those topics.
One student said, “Wait a minute. You talked to our parents about how we feel, and you’re talking to us about how they feel?”
“That’s right. I think it’s only fair.”
“You’re a double agent!” he concluded.
He’s right, actually. Though “double agent” makes it sound clandestine, I am working to help both teams understand each other better. I’ve come to think of it more as being an interpreter.
Last June, I asked my fifth graders to list five things they think are important for parents of highly able children to know. I told them I wanted to share their ideas with a group of parents, and I promised them anonymity. They were excited for the opportunity to be both opinionated and useful.
Their responses showed me that they are sensitive, open, articulate, and blunt. While they are eager to talk about themselves, they are still learning to take others’ feelings into account. They are also self-contradictory, which suggests that parents need to be flexible in finding solutions. A sense of humor helps enormously.
Several themes emerged in their writing. The following is a distillation of what your kids want you to know, in order of the frequency of their responses and corrected for grammar.
1. When I get home from school, I need a break from “school thinking” before I tackle whatever is next. Whether they mention a need to “just sit,” “to unwind,” or “time to process,” many students noted this. The transition from school is clearly important to them. Maybe try not to bombard your kid with questions about school during the car ride home. They may be tired or need time to think about the school day before explaining it. Try asking questions later, at the dinner table, perhaps.
2. I want to do my own work. Fifteen students mentioned this, and they were specific about their needs. Some even had advice for parents. Let me do my own projects and don’t impose your ideas forcefully. …Things at school don’t always make sense at first, so don’t be worried if they don’t. If I don’t want your help, it doesn’t mean I’m against you. I get overwhelmed when I get a big project, but only at the beginning. If you just give me a little boost or tell me something that inspires me, then I’ll be done with being overwhelmed. Most of us have some traits of a perfectionist, so if we need help on our homework, we might be acting like a ticking time-bomb. If I have homework that you don’t know how to do, don’t guess on how to do it because you will probably get it wrong. If I tell you to stop “helping” me, I would work better if you actually did. As much as we’d like to be helpful, these students are looking more for guidance than for answers. When it comes to research, for instance, it is better to show them how to find information than it is to find it for them. Some may want to be left alone to work it out. Some said they will ask for help when they need it. Others just want you nearby for comfort, or only at the beginning of a project.
3. Respect me. Nearly half of them brought up the topic of respect for their ideas. When I say something, don’t shoot it out of the water right away. If something I do or like seems stupid, let me be. If you say it’s dumb then I feel bad. They need respect for their abilities and their methods of tackling work. If I don’t do what you asked me to do, it’s not because I didn’t listen, but that I envisioned the task differently. When I remember something, it’s usually right. How am I going to prove I’m ready when you never let me try? Perhaps most important, though, is that they need recognition of who they are. I am different from you. They want to wrestle with and master hard work on their own, even if it’s an assignment you’d love to do (or can do!). To keep the conversation going, try asking questions about their thinking. It may even help them clarify their ideas for the next project.
4. I am learning to manage my feelings. This road is not smooth, but several students offered good openings to talk with your children. Some want to be left alone when they are upset, asking for time to cool down. When I overreact to something, leave me alone for a while and I will be fine. Don’t talk to me when I am stressed. They suggested that they might be tired or need food. That might be a starting place for parents in considering why a child is cranky.
5. I need to move. Of the students who mentioned the need for action, some wrote of sports or play. Everyone needs play time. I need sports. They calm me down and keep me happy. Others need to move after being quiet for a while. I can’t sit still for so long, so don’t force me to sit for hours. I need to stretch my legs. Some are driven to be in motion. I cannot sit somewhere without moving. I always need something in my hands to tinker with.
6. I am aware of my overexcitabilities and you need to know them, too. Our class discussion of Dabrowski’s overexcitabilities (OEs) was lively and enlightening. The students loved finding their descriptors and knowing that they were not alone. Comments tied to specific OEs included psychomotor (I don’t mean to be rude by interrupting, but I do love to talk), sensual (a child plugging their ears when a voice or music is too loud), emotional (I try not to, but when you go away I have to cry because I am very emotional), intellectual (I’m not prying into your business, I’m just curious), and imaginational (when we remember elaborate dreams, do not think that you have to interpret them). If your kid has special intensities, try supporting those intensities.
7. I need a bedtime routine that suits me. Several students mentioned the transition to bed. Their needs varied a great deal, but they were clear about what those needs are. Before I go to bed I need some time to calm down. When I go to sleep I have to have an hour of cool-off time for my brain to stop processing. At night, if we can’t go to sleep, just keep in mind that we are probably contemplating the day tomorrow. One student mentioned that seeming to be tired in the morning did not call for an earlier bedtime, just a better transition routine at night.
8. I can’t always tell you what I’m thinking. A large part of smoothing the wrinkles in a relationship is communication. Clearly, there is much your children want to tell you, but they feel they can’t say it directly. Sometimes when kids say they don’t want to talk about it, it can mean they just don’t want to talk right there but maybe somewhere more private. Your kid might have an overly busy schedule but can’t find a good way to tell you about it. Try bringing up the subject for them by asking if their schedule is too busy. Maybe you could open the door to that conversation with some of the quotes here. Ask your child’s opinion on the topics, knowing they are important to other similar children. Use the carrot with the stick: combining consequences and incentives may be more effective than removing privileges alone.
There is much your children want you to know and a great deal to be gained by hearing them.
