Citation: From The SENG Newsletter. 2002 May 2(2)
“When gifted children are asked what they most desire, the answer is often ‘a friend’. The children’s experience of school is completely colored by the presence or absence of relationships with peers.” (Silverman, 1993, p. 72.)
The need for friendship and, even more, for emotional intimacy, is a driving force in both children and adults. This report of recent Australian research explores the nature of friendship as it is conceived by elementary and middle school students and how perceptions and expectations of friendship differ among children at different age levels, at different levels of intellectual ability, and between boys and girls.
A wealth of research studies over the last 70 years have shown that when intellectually gifted children look for friends, they tend to gravitate towards other gifted children of approximately their own age, or older children who may not be as bright as they are but who are still of above average ability. Children tend to choose friends on the basis of similarities in mental age, rather than chronological age.
Previous international studies have found that children’s conceptions of friendship develop in stages and are hierarchical and age-related. Children in the early years of school tend to view friendship in a strongly egocentric or subjective light; the capacity to step outside one’s own needs and perceptions and see a friend as an individual with her own needs and values develops around age nine. The perception of friendship as an intimate and mutually rewarding relationship generally emerges around age twelve.
However, these studies were conducted with unselected populations of average intellectual ability. Until recently, little research investigated whether intellectually gifted children pass through the stages of friendship conception at the same ages or speed as children of average ability.
Research has also established gender differences in pre-adolescent expectations of friendship, with girls more likely than boys to distinguish between “best friends” and “regular friends” and to report higher levels of intimacy, trust and loyalty. These studies, however, focused on chronological age rather than mental age.
In a recent empirical study with 700 children aged 5–12, the author investigated whether children’s conceptions and expectations of friendship are determined by chronological age or by mental age, and whether gifted children have more mature conceptions than their age-peers.
The survey, using a standardized questionnaire, compared conceptions of friendship among children of average ability, moderately gifted children, and highly gifted children. The study confirmed a developmental hierarchy of five stages, with expectations and beliefs about friendship becoming more sophisticated with age.
Stage 1: “Play Partner”: In the earliest stage friendship is based on play-partnership; a friend is someone who engages the child in play and permits borrowing playthings.
Stage 2: “People to chat to”: Sharing interests becomes important and conversations are no longer limited to immediate activities.
Stage 3: “Help and encouragement”: Friends offer help, support or encouragement, though the advantages flow largely in one direction at this stage.
Stage 4: “Intimacy/empathy”: The child recognizes reciprocal obligation to give comfort and support; affection and emotional bonding deepen.
Stage 5: “The sure shelter”: Friendship is perceived as a deep, lasting relationship of trust, fidelity and unconditional acceptance. A highly gifted twelve-year-old described a real friend as a place to take off masks and still feel safe.
The study found that what children look for in friends is dictated more by mental age than by chronological age. Gifted children were substantially further along the friendship hierarchy than their age-peers of average ability and sought close, trusting friendships at younger ages.
Differences between gifted children and their average ability peers were larger in the primary and early elementary years than later. In grades 3 and 4, moderately gifted children showed conceptions of friendship typical of average children at least two years older.
The findings suggest that gifted children seek friends not only for intellectual compatibility but for similar conceptions and expectations of friendship.
More than seventy years ago Leta Hollingworth noted severe social isolation among many highly gifted children between ages four and nine. The present study supports that finding: exceptionally gifted children often begin seeking intimate friendships years earlier than age-peers.
Substantial gender differences were observed: girls scored higher than boys on the developmental scale of friendship conceptions at all ability levels and ages. Exceptionally gifted boys who seek intimacy early may be at increased risk of social isolation.
The results indicate that gifted children in earlier primary years are most likely to have difficulty finding peers with similar expectations of friendship.
The study raises questions about reserving ability grouping and acceleration programs for upper elementary years; placing gifted children with chronological peers without regard to intellectual ability or emotional maturity may increase loneliness and social isolation.
Ability grouping and grade advancement can help young gifted children find trusting, authentic friendships at ages when their chronological peers seek playmates or casual conversation. In many cases it is difficult to justify keeping exceptionally and profoundly gifted children in classes where peer friendship expectations differ radically from their own.
“A faithful friend is a sure shelter; whoever finds one has found a rare treasure.” The word “rare” can mean both “exceptional” and “scarce.” Intellectually gifted children grouped strictly by chronological age may find the treasure of a sure shelter to be scarce.
References
Bigelow, B.J. and LaGaipa, J.J. (1975). Children’s written descriptions of friendship: A multidimensional analysis. Developmental Psychology, 11, 857-858.
Gamer, E. (1978). Children’s reports of friendship criteria. Dissertation Abstracts International, 36, 616.
Gross, M.U.M. (1993) Exceptionally Gifted Children, London: Routledge.
Hollingworth, L.S. (1926) Gifted children: Their nature and nurture. New York: Macmillan.
O’Shea, H.E. (1960). Friendship and the intellectually gifted child. Exceptional Children, 26(6), 327-335.
Selman, R.L. (1981). The child as a friendship philosopher. In S.R. Asher and J.M. Gottman (Eds.) The development of children’s friendships (pp. 242-272). Cambridge: Cambridge University Press.
Sharabany, R., Gershoni, R. and Hofman, J.E. (1981). Girlfriend, boyfriend: Age and sex differences in intimate friendship. Developmental Psychology, 17, 800-808.
Silverman, L.K. (1993). Counseling the gifted and talented, Denver: Love.
