Question by Dr. Michael Shaughnessy
Jim, I understand that you are doing an on line chat about gifted kids and their grandparents. When will this take place?
Answer by Dr. James Webb
My Webinar on Grandparents and Gifted children, which is sponsored by SENG (Supporting Emotional needs of Gifted) was held Sunday, September 20 at 4:00 p.m. (Eastern time) until 5:30 p.m.
Question: Why are grandparents important?
Answer
When I became a grandparent, I quickly came to appreciate that the role is different than parenting, but yet is one that can be quite important and influential. Grandparents, because of the breadth of their life experiences, often recognize high potential and ability more quickly than the parents. Grandparents can help parents nurture a child’s learning opportunities, and they also can provide learning opportunities and special time with their grandchildren. Grandparents generally have something that parents do not 6time. Parents these days, with all of the modern day stresses, so often find it difficult to make time for their children. Yet we know how important it is to give focused attention to children.
Question: How do they serve as mentors?
Answer
Grandchildren generally look up to their grandparents, even during the teen years when parents have lost their credibility with the youngsters. Part of this may be because grandparents are less often the disciplinarians than are the parents, as well as that the grandparents potentially have more time to spend with the grandchildren. Grandparents can take grandchildren on special outings and trips that may not be affordable for the parents. And grandparents, having lived a long time, often have connections with other people in the community or elsewhere in the country which can lead them to provide mentoring opportunities. Grandparents are ones who hand down family traditions and expectations.
Question: How do they help emotionally?
Answer
Grandparents can help put matters into perspective. They have experienced life and they have lived through great times and significant traumas. As a result, they can more easily step back from what seems to be a major crisis and help the parents and grandchildren to see the situation as a lesser crisis and a learning experience. This assumes good communication and relationship between grandparents and grandchildren. I am hoping that this webinar will provide inspiration as well as practical tips for grandparents to develop and maintain good relationships in this way. Schmitz (2003) noted three types of grandparents:
- Been There, Done That, who feel their job is over
- Help When Asked, who remain mostly uninvolved but will help if asked
- Parents Forever, who actively participate in the lives of their grandchildren and believe all adults share responsibility for raising the youngest generation
Question: What do you recall about your grandparents?
Answer
I only knew my grandparents on my mothers side. I remember having a sense of awe at all of the things that they knew and how they seemed to glide through daily tasks that were mysterious to me. I recall how forgiving they were when I showed the poor judgment that characterizes childhood and how they stood firm with my parents when a true crisis arose. Most of all, I remember the values of kindness, compassion, and generosity that they modeled and the legacy they passed along. One important topic we discuss in our book is the idea of an Ethical Will, a statement of values and hopes passed to succeeding generations.
Question: How much do grandparents impact gifted kids?
Answer
Gifted children, with their intensity, may need the safe haven of grandparents more than other children. High achievement may not be valued by peers, and there is pressure to hide abilities. Grandparents can help gifted children appreciate the long view 6how peers change, how important education is, and how one can determine ones role in the world.
Question: What have I neglected to ask?
Answer
Sometimes grandparents are the parents. The 2000 U.S. Census showed that more than one in every 20 children under age 18 permanently lived in a home where the grandparent was the family head. In other families, children live with grandparents temporarily because adult children are in the armed services, traveling, seriously ill, incarcerated, etc. The role of grandparent becomes very different when you are also the parent.
Question: What else have I neglected to ask?
Answer
Another aspect is problems that arise from divorce. How active can and should grandparents be, particularly when grandchildren are with an ex-spouse? Remarriage brings additional challenges and more grandparents. In such situations, grandparents can provide stability; maintaining contact, even by email or social media, is important.
Question: How can they be useful in the schools?
Answer
Grandparents can be advocates in local schools and are sometimes treated with more respect by school authorities. They may know school officials and can help secure educational opportunities or financial support for camps, programs, or accounts such as Coverdell accounts and trusts. We discuss these options in our book, Grandparent’s Guide to Gifted Children.
